hatred

I hate suicides.

specially when people,

i know 
go for it.

Sister

sister

I know am an asshole,for i have never brought you close.

And sometimes i regret these times,when am unable to calm you down.

when i don't have that closeness to hold you and whisper you nothing.

I hate these times when i realize the love i hold, and hate it more,

when i see i can do nothing to help.

I hate this.

But i hope my prayers stays.

and they will work.

they will.

Ask

Ask.

I wont lie and keep on saying you are perfect like others do.

for i see the holes.

You should ask if people want or not.

you should.
Don't make people a burden.

whatever you do, in circles it will return. 
but before it returns and you realize,
i hope it doesn't becomes late.

song.

today,
My friend sang a song,
a self composed song about an Afghan's girl lament.
No, it wasn't rocking or good.
rather, beautiful if i say.
beauty.

i couldn't hear all the words.
but it was touching.
indeed.

somewhere
down i could
feel some broken
strings
mending.

naked truths

i never kiss words.
today in sleep,
i did.
held the words
near my heart
and slept.

After loosing myself 

and showing the naked truths

to you.

i hate to be so weak and 

miserable sometimes.

this other side,

i dont want anyone to see.

you should stay away.

V

Tears are but water,

more than the heart can hold
And living in it, is the art to learn
from the fish inside a bowl


But when the fish had learnt to
Hide the brine inside her soul
The bowl cracked from brim to base
That which had been her world


~ kobita.






A secret sunset will rise
between the mountains
that never meet
to warm up that bird's song
that was buried
beneath the ice decades long,
And I shall absorb that sun
melt into glass,
to form a unbreakable bowl
for that
fish
to which
it means
the world

Butterfly effect.

 Butterfly effect.


I want you to be a butterfly,
flap your wings,
And alter ,delay or prevent
the tornado within.

Could you?

I wonder as how does somethings get broken due to small crashes.

And i don't even know those small reasons.

years of friendship and you had once said a forever wont ruin it.

And that day when i actually needed you near,

all you said with anger was

to return your books

that were lying with me for months.

And i wondered,

what about the 'me' that lies near you.

could you return?

here and there

There,

on the top of mountains
where your seeds lie,
shall i take you?

or


I will bring near you
that old house you lived in,
to shade your
withered winter dreams.




Here,
in a small corner of me,
where no one goes,
shall I will keep you?


or

I will bring you close
beside this soul of holes
to let every sorrow of yours
pass thorugh me.
 
there,

stealing the sunrays,
i will make glass
to form a snow-globe,
that always sings.


or
shall I bring this earth?
in my hand ,as a white lily,
with Christmas carols,
bells and running melodies.

Here,
Breathing away to melt myself
into ice and snow,
shall I give you a forever?

or

I shall turn myself
into heaven and clouds
where smoke and snow mingle
to sing ,while you dance
with your love.
 
there,

Among the flowers and bees,
shall i hold the dust
and silence to form
a small wind-chime?


or


I will grab ocean and sea,
blow each sand to save
every shell or husk
to turn them into a rythm
that never needs the wind.



here,
shall i bleed to strings?
and make these heartbeats
the bells,stones and keys?


or

i shall turn myself into
that breeze which will echo
through pearls of colors,
and droplets of eventide,
and ring all the chimes
across the world
whenever you blink your eyes.

For my baby.

Afraid.

i always thought i was afraid of heights
and lightning.

Trust me,people are more complicated.

blue october

Like stars sleeping in distant skies,

Birds heading back in frosty winters,
these muddy paths i will cross,
with this rain in my shoes.


I carry this smell of blue October
though september has not ended,
I asked for just a shelter from rain,
And you gave me a sun instead.


you take me there to teach,
teache me,
to breathe
as i am bend,
to break into papers
that will never
be cut by a scissor again.

those colors which bleed,
and a yesterday in my fist
you bring back
every lost piece
that were like grains,
each grain,
lost among
thousand secret deserts
hidden in blue oceans,
that island without water,
how did you hold it as it
slipped ?


walking all the way,
among the clowns, never
did a puppet won a joker,
so dont make this house
a home again,
i know am in pain
but dont kiss my wounds
let them grow and heal
let them learn
and not with
an addiction for you
remain.

 i keep on trying staying away from you,


then why is it that I cant

Hope.

someday perhaps
this fire inside
will melt me
to water,
that will rise
and erase
one such night
that turns
me into
something
that am not.

It will happen.
yes it will

Induction~

Another trust,

i carved carefully
on a scuplture
breaks away today,
and the bits in me
that somehow stayed
goes away forever
to that statue
that never needed them.


As if they are induced
to leave and break,
break and leave
and never be whole again ,
not even like those
grasses that are distinct but
look one from a distance.

you

Every time I hear you say that you love this small thing,I swear I will turn myself into it.

why didnt you come before?

laugh

I saw my grandma laugh today.
not like she doesn't laugh.
today it was different.
May be cos its been long.

A laugh that i wished to write upon the air.

Rules.

i know all the rules, but the rules don't know me -Eddie Vedder.

these rules of how things should be,what should be said,done,and followed,
what differs right from wrong. everything sucks.

they have lived for ages,and will be still lasting till they gulp every person out here. And a little aware and known,we still act like fools and ignorant and let them be the parasites,and end up

being that wood eaten up by termites. Half alive, half dead we all become parasites.For we never live the way we want.

And a few who are smart phoneys,

they become secret parasites eating away this world.

can i?

can i take you to a place?

where i shall hold the sun
so that the rays
find a way to
warm your body
and kiss your skin?


can i try getting you when
you say you want to be alone?
hold you close,
to never say a word
and wait watching you,
till your morning comes.


can i give up my forever
to keep you near?
Make a world
of dreams and lullabies
where you dance
just for my eyes to see.


Can i fight,get hurt?
leave with bruises and burns
all alone as a lonely hole
If am asked for a battle
to win or own a part of you?


can you tell me a way
to lock this love?
that grows like a distant song,
like that old wine in a bottle,
breaking away every wall
i build in years.


can you?


My home is wherever you are.


P.S Go, stay away, I dont need you.
i shall kiss you in my dreams and
keep you safe every time.
Can i kiss you tonight
and never wake up again?


I always know am running home 'to you.

dream II

Beyond the horizon,beneath the sun

Bits of heaven,I have built,
Across the ocean, ,in between the sea
somewhere i get golden wings
to take you there far away
where the morning begins
with your kiss
and night comes
as you dream.

dream III

watching ,

you like that moth
moving towards
the candle,
I travel the distance
and hold
the burning flame.




searching,
for the butterfly
you were,
what made you
return to
the cocoon?


touching,
your eyes with a kiss,
giving the
dreams
that i built
someday.


fighting,
against
the night
and bringing
back a sleep,
you lost for
a lifetime.


thinking,
As how can the
rain wash me
again
without even
reminding me
of the scars.


hoping.
this dream never
comes true,
for my eyes
cant see you
as miserable
you were.




Reality may be bitter, but its better
than these dreams which replaces
the nightmares, for i can't see
you miserable as you were.
nor do i wish to break again.


Morning dreams come true?
I wish my morning never comes.
And in this dreams i sleep,
and the night goes on and on.

deny.

for pieces-

Astrological Hell: Virgo

Its 22 September and i still deny.

every no you say for everything I asked, 

and anything i do for anything you said.

current tracks: 

3 doors-am here without you

Carnival of rust.

she will be loved.
Blue October.

I wish September to pass away more sooner

heart

people say 'you have a heart of gold'.
I don't need it if it cant let me hold.

Rather give me some hands
that will never let you go.

silent?

sometimes i wonder as  have i done,

that makes you so silent.

Like thanking everyone for wishes and ignoring mine.

Am i so bad?

I didn't leave,
for somewhere down i feared may be this will close every way that may bring you back.
Return as in.. not for me, but may be you will need me somewhere?

Its important for me to know you are good. its always important.

may be that's what makes me go against my self respect too.

But now i wish that point never comes,

for i know the next time we talk,

even if i don't question ,

you will be uncomfortable with answers hovering around in your mind.

Dream I

Early morning.

woke up with a jolt.

dream-.' need to talk'

I rushed to see..

Plucked & Roasted.

with earphones and sleepy eyes.

hope- you are okay.

Long Back

another dream.

you called me . /I forgot everything,\

somehow i traveled all the way, and there were you,as miserable as no one.

I stayed near you for 7 nights. /caring for you.\

there was nothing between us,

just a silence that was so comfortable.

you were so weak,  /reminded me of Chris of into the wild.\

every night i tried to make you sleep,

and after you were deep asleep.

I watched you.

i was never so comfortable in any of my dreams.

never ever.

But then i never want it to come true,

cos i never want a point to come

when you become so miserable

as i saw you.

never ever,

Morning dreams come true?

I wish my morning never comes.

And in this dreams i sleep,

and the night goes on and on

Blue october.

Give me a quiet mind and I...I love you
-Blue October.

pride?

If only I want.

I can leave this shit, and move towards being happy or sad whatever i like.I can turn of this computer and never return back.I can go and tell a sorry without a fault, and i can be angry on people without reasons.I can be silent

like some people are.I can go and surrender myself in the arms of a stranger i never know.I can win all things that people expect me i can't.I can be self centered and live just for me.I can get everything that seems so special to others.I always can.

If only I want.
My pride still believes i can.

 And being the way i am,is something i permit.

No one  ever is  a reason for what your life was or is. its always you who permits.

the problem is.
Even if my pride doesn't permits sometimes, it fails the battle against this insane heart

16 september.

To the one who doesnt listens and forms voids -Happy Bday.


To those two who doesnt fill the gap, but come
in the middle of everything as  a drop
and always try to spread so as to complete

the hole--


Don't flow away, for i want you to stay,
I can keep these holes. 
I can ,
for you people to remain.

I remember

I remember the time

i told- I never share.

And you said-for the first time in life
i feel like marrying someone,
whispered a I love you
and with
silence
kept the phone.

beautiful,

Beautiful.

I am sure about a lot of times where i sucked.


Like when you call me beautiful,


And i deny.

Spidy

I wanted to bring this one home, couldnt :|

i kinda played with him may be.

oh.. i miss him..

i remember i used to run after spiders for powers :P

but this one was cute, i felt like he was understanding what i told.

I cant forget a simple spider that i had for minutes,

and people expect me to forget people staying for years.

I am

junior nisha.

taken.

Today you held my little finger,

I was reminded of ..actually nothing.

Not even of my childhood when i was taught walking.

I felt like you were showing me the way,

or taking me to somewhere i can be.

Custard.

I took some custard today,

for i remember you saying you want it.

I 'could' have traveled in the midnight if you had called me.

sorry,

I 'would' have.

light

 
You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in. ~Arlo Guthrie

Secure.

that day ,

you read the lines of my hand.

what i loved was not whatever you said

but the care with which you held my hand ,

like nothing will ever make that fall away.

I felt so secure.

I was me

Today you dont pick up my calls, I wish when my bday comes you too remain silent,
or may be forget like the last time.

3 days ago i laughed so much that i had tears in my eyes.And later i cried in a way that i started laughing.

It was midnight, I heard my grandfather calling, to put eyedrops in his eyes.
may be i heard him.no wait, it was him only.Never was I so helpless.

I wore the dress you liked,never mind the dupatta being stained with a tear.

early morning i heard a song, It was my sister, she sings well but for the first time it was soothing to me.

i saw myself again somewhere i don't wish to be,it still runs shivers across me.

Last time the teacher questioned me, I knew the answers.But didn't say.

i hurt my leg the other day, for i tried to kick a big stone unlike other times when i used to take pebbles with me by kicking them along the long roads i used to walk down.

Nothing makes me sad anymore, Am happy. for all this time
i was honest.I was the person i am.And so will i stay.

Rest

on your shoulder as I rested my head,

I wish i could travel inside in you
and you hid me there till the rain returns

and then like a fish you will put me
back in the water.

let me rest in you.